The New Rules of Driving

So, I've lived on the "Gold Coast" of Long Island for about 5 months now, and my strongest observation here is that people cannot drive. Actually, I should say that they do not abide by the rules of the road. My theory is that the people on the Gold Coast feel that they are priviledged, and thus the same rules do not apply to them as does apply to the rest of us. I'm so glad I drive a small car so that I can navigate around all these obstacles (and that it's red and thus visible to oncoming nuts). Here are the new rules of driving for you to be aware of, just in case you venture to visit me:

1) Signals are entirely optional

2) Cars making turns have complete right-of-way over cars driving straight, ESPECIALLY if you're making the left turn....

3) If you are pulling out of a parking spot, you DO NOT have to yield to traffic. Heck, you don't even need to look to see if there are any oncoming cars! Oh, and you can just open up those car doors without looking first for oncoming traffic too!

4) Lane markers are mere 'suggestions' - feel free to drive between two lanes!

5) Slow, leisurely driving and 'coasting' is highly encouraged, especially when you're driving between two lanes so that no one can pass you! Why wear out your accelerator pedal?!

6) Double-parking is highly encouraged, especially when you're directly across the street from another double-parked car so that the road becomes nice and narrow...

7) Should you find yourself as a pedestrian, you can (a) cross in the middle of the streets (b) take your time walking across said street (c) no need to look before you cross!